Sunday, 6 February 2011

Open letters to books I have read

Dear Six Dinner Sid,

I read you when I was very young, and therefore quite naive. I totally believed that a cat could
have the brain power to con six separate people. I mean, thats a pretty big con. Thats worthy of like, Oceans Eleven, if Oceans Eleven was about cats and not about casinos or whatever. But there was something I didn't get, if they all lived on the same street, how did they not at least see the cat going into someone else's house? Do these people not go outside? Was it a grim warning of the dangers and the perils of agoraphobia? I'm glad you were keeping people aware.

Yours with kindness,


Dear Captain Corelli's Mandolin,

I am a big fan of your stiff, decisive descriptions of the Greek. The huge dude had a pretty awesome name for a huge dude. I mean, if a guy can lift two men, one on each shoulder, and also a brass cannon, he truly deserves the name "Megalo". I also promise to stop using you as a coaster. Maybe.

Yours faithfully,


Dear Crime and Punishment,

You are so depressing. I was so depressed reading you. It was actually so depressing that I had to stop reading half way through, before I got to the "punishment" part. I read it in the end, but it still haunts me as to how depressing it is. Russia sounds like a very sad place, so I guess the one good thing to come out of reading you is that I now know I should probably not go there, for fear of being really, really sad all of the time. I guess th
ats why everyone there drinks so much vodka? Is that why?

Eagerly awaiting your reply,


Dear Fight Club,

Dude, you've got some problems. You're seriously messed up! I actually was quite angry when I started reading you, but then half way through was like "man, I am the most angry!" It was quite a weekend. But think you had some good points, and the twist was really good. I liked how you kept us guessing by making us think that the narrator was really, really gay for Tyler Durden. I did not expect that...

Yours angrily,

Dear Grapes of Wrath,

Did you know that my lecturer doesn't like you? What a joke right?! Who doesn't like you, you're a straight up guy! What a weird thing to not like you. Well, you are pretty massive, and you do scare people with the heady-ness of your topic, and after all, you are pretty dreary. But still, that font? Whoo boy, that is one hell of a...font.

Yours confusedly,

Dear Breakfast at Tiffany's,

Fuck you man! You think you're better than everyone Holly Golightly? You think you're all that? Give the dude a chance, he just loves you, he loves you so much! Thank you soooooo much, for making me completely dead inside. You're like the Sylvia Plath of up-beat bohemian East Coast fiction.

Fuck you!

Yours sincerely,


Wednesday, 2 February 2011

Danger: A Reference Guide

"How much danger am I in?"

This is a question that everybody asks in certain situations; Kayaking, or setting off fireworks. Its dangerous, we all know this, they can explode in your face, and no one wants that. But what many people don't consider is the danger of situations and circumstances that they might be in every day. Speaking as a constant worrier, I present to you the round up of the five most dangerous places to be in England, the ones that are right under your nose, and that will probably kill your nose. And probably the rest of your face.

5. Up-Market Chain Coffee shop

The usual dangers can be spotted right away. A hot cup of liquid can give you a nasty scald. This is something the managers will have prepared for, with messages like "This beverage is incredibly hot", but this is merely a distraction. The windows in most of these shops aremassive. Have you ever thought how much of an invitation to criminals this is? The place is warm, condensation lightly dusts the edges of these gigantic windows, showing just how delightfully cosy the inside is, like the inside of a sleeping bag. This is where rich people are designed to be, and therefore they can be instantly found by terrifying criminals. But this is not the most present danger; Those windows are massive! If a bird saw the cosy inside of that shop, and the bugger flew into the the window, in a sweet spot it could shatter, covering you and your family in shards of deadly, deadly glass!

4. Bus Stops

Bus stops are damn dangerous, and don't let any persuasive words from your local council tell you otherwise. Those things are hardly safe, and are made of about a ton of metal. Have you seen how they are designed? A flap of heavy metal supported by one sheet of flimsy, wussy metal? No thanks Death, I'd rather walk.

3. Swimming Pools

Have you seen that one episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, where Xander joins the swimming team and it turns out that his team-mates are actually terrifying, monstrous sea creatures? I'm not saying its going to happen now, but I am saying why risk it, when its almost certain to happen eventually?

2. At a rubbish Amateur Indie-rock gig

At this sort of place, boredom is the most dangerous factor. This, and cheap, stale beer fished out from the back of Wetherspoons (where it was deemed "not good enough". InWetherspoons) is almost like spending a night being slowly suffocated by Carbon Monoxide, but with worse lighting.

1. Garden Centers

These are basically designed to be like artificial forest lodges, with lots of wood around, and lots of trees and plants. You know what likes those sorts of places? God damn Bears.