Lets make this rock. I like to describe myself as a "Writer". This, as many of you may have probably realised within two seconds, could seem like and incredibly bold statement, given that my writing stature has been severely diminished, because of my lack of posts for a week. However, I believe that my ability to write is somewhat migratory, like a group of sperm whales, which coincidentally are still to this day considered some of the greatest writers in history, producing such works as "Woooaaaaooooowwwwooowwwwwwwooaaaaww: In memorandum" and "Great Expectations" which was eventually adapted into a novel by Charles Dickens, containing now only a few sperm whales, as opposed to a whole cast of the majestic beasts, as humans found the concept of London under the sea inherently confusing. Also because Dickens stole it.
The position of a "Writer" does not grant me access to anything that any ordinary, boring human, could not access, except for beautiful women and pastures of leafy notes. It does not grant me any perspective either, except perhaps maybe sometimes the ability to perceive the ether. Its a strange skill, but I have mastered it. I cannot teach it. For this I am sorry.
This literary tangent that I graced the Internet was mainly the culmination of a desire, building in me, to make myself sound more intelligent than I am. Which is very, people. Very very.
But to swerve off the road of facts and into the by-road of journalistic integrity, I shall make some comment an analysis on some of the news that's been reported lately. So let's news:
Blueberries 'reverse memory loss'
There seems to be something inherently wrong in this sentence. something deeply and horribly wrong. We were all thinking it, Reverse Memory Loss?! How can that happen?! And the catalyst for this particular phenomena, Blueberries, are somewhat of a cheap commodity when compared to say, billion dollar scientific research to the solutions that have not yet succeeded with any particular regularity. As a student, I am familiar with money. Or rather, the lack of such. However, I can recall buying drinks more expensive than blueberries with the intention of causing exactly the opposite effect. However, the plus side to my scenario, is that I do not remember spending the money, so I don't feel sad about it the next day.
The foods, known as flavonoids, were historically believed to act as antioxidants in human bodies.
Hold on. Flavonoids? I've got it guys, Strawberries contain Deliciounoids. Is there any science to see here? Stop talking, there's science to do! Get the potato chunks and test tubes, because we're staying up tonight. I may be injecting a little too much vitriol. It's true that antioxidants are real, it's been proven. And plus, the Actimel ads. 'Nuff said.
Dr Jeremy Spencer, from the department of food biosciences at the university, said: "Scientists have known of the potential health benefits of diets rich in fresh fruits for a long time.
"Our research provides scientific evidence to show that blueberries are good for you and supports the idea that a diet-based approach could potentially be used to increase memory capacity.
So fruit is good for you? Jesus, no wonder I'm constantly ill, and almost dead. I live off of pretzels and coke.
"We will be taking these findings to the next level by investigating the effects of diets rich in flavonoids on individuals suffering from cognitive impairment and possibly Alzheimer's disease."
Well good for you I say, its not often that a scientist will stand up to the world and say "I have a theory! Also, I need money." I hardly think the solution to something as deep and drastic to Alzheimer's is a foodstuff that has been flowing though the digestion systems of humans for a good while now.
Science is always a slightly bitter subject, given my horrendously terrible "Science Years," In which I thought that I was good at a subject I was in fact appalling in. However, I do enjoy scientific facts. Measuring the density of potato mass when soaked in different concentrations of sucrose solution, in order to measure the absorption and diffusion rate between different sorts of potato, however? Not floating my boat.
This is why I am a writer. Because as a writer I can make up ridiculous scenarios, and call it entertainment, without the baggage of proving it.
Ooh, Ya burnt!