I am unhealthy. In fact, the previous statement is somewhat of an understatement. I am extremely, indulgently, to the point of riskiness, unhealthy.
Its risky. Riskybusiness.
You dont want to ne CEO of that company...
I have certain touchstones in the respect of dietary requirements. Engorgement would be a word, but somehow I feel it would be somewhat enobling the process with a three syllable word, when I can describe myself with a single, monosyllabic adjective. Gross pig. Okay, that was two, but nevertheless, my point stands true, with definite concerns being present in my eating habits. Heart attacks, mostly, but instead I would like to examine the psychological process behind the whole pre-eating situation. My brain thinks, "I have money. This is new, hey, fancy. What can I buy? What dont I need?"
The two questions are extremely closely linked, probably to the point where if I were to learn how ven-diagrams work, and make one between these two questions, there would be a sure-fire crossover. However, the latter seems to be somewhat subconscious, with the answer arguably being; "Food. Lots and lots of food. Put on weiiiiiiight"
And, expectantly, I cant take it. 3 cans of red bull have made me both unfit and scared for my life, as my heart stands on the cusp of defeat.
Ah well. One can only hope that I do not die. From food. Which can happen. Ive seen it on 't telly.
Even though I weigh...(intermission as I go weigh myself)...11 & 1/2 stone.
Water weight?! Shoes?!
I mean its heavier than the last time I measured myself. Admittedly that was 2005. But still. Its bad. Or nothing to worry about. nothing to worry about. nothing to worry about.
Oh Goats cheese sandwich, You shall be my downfall.
Okay, so im not quite on the latter once again, more on a sporadic basis, when my craziness appears to be at its peak. Which is almost never. Rest assured, I am fit and healthy. However, tommorow, its operation time. Probably why i cant sleep, and its actually tommorow instead of the day after thus. Im worried, im scared, and I know im only going under for a couple of hours, but the last few days have been nothing but bad. The weekend of exuberance and relative hedonism served as an excellent culture shock, showing me that right now, in sleepy Somerset, I may be wasting away my greatest years. That is not to say that i do not like it here, and that I do not love my friends and family dearly, with all the love my tiny, blackened coal of a heart can possibly give, because that is simply not the case. All i know is that it is time for a change.
Its time for me to move on and start growing up. No more of this "being able to do stuff but not really". It doesnt suit me. I daresay that when I reach 18, nothing will have changed, and that I will still be the bitter grumpus that I am now, but my resolve to truly meet the life I want will be stronger.
It seems that after the weekend, and my happy times, the heavens decided to take a dump on yours truly with several mishaps that will scar me for life.
1. Being robbed by a person I will never meet, and feeling endangered by every corner of the internet henceforth.
2. Seeing a man flatline whilst I was meant to be taking the man in the bed opposite down for an X-ray.
3. Having all emotive thoughts pushed out of me for an unknown period of time, due to a horrible sight that i will never recover from.
Having the showers turn cold every time i stepped in them for two days
You guessed it, 2 & 3 were at the hospital. They were medically related. It is no surprise that my reality has been shaken by these events. I cannot tell, when thinking about it, wether this is divine intervention, or mere coincidence. Perhaps it is Karma, that after a good weekend, I get loaded with a load of unpleasant things, to event the universe out. Perhaps God, or another deity, is structuring my life to meet these events, in order to show me my own mortality and to make a difference in my life. Perhaps its just one big hoo ha, that im blowing up. Making a mountain out of several horrible, horrible molehills.
Am I supposed to believe in God after this, or disbelieve in him? Am I supposed to start following Karma? Am I being punished for something, or is this a truly important divine lesson, telling me I need to shape up?
It would seem that I have some serious thinking to do.
And because I cant sleep, I have plenty of time to do it.
Apparently myspace knows me better than I know myself. I mean, why else would it offer up its diagnosis for a condition that i deemed essentially superfluous in the general population.
I am referring to a post I made what seems like aeons ago about depression and its place in society with the "dixie chicks" and "fancy lads" or whatever the kidz are calling eachother these days. But now, myspace seems to have deemed me, like a psychologist being commited for stockholm syndrome, depressed myself.
Well now, thats it. I have no option but to be incredibly down and low at all times. So much for listening to happy music, no more hedonistic tirades, its all over for me.
Apparently I am now rich. This has come as a surprise, and also a shock, and despite these words similarities in definition, I prefer to live in a world where these two collections of letters can form a seperate entity, but be grouped together, much like a collection of Films into a "box-set", despite the fact that the only thing connecting them is their genre.
Sometimes less than that. Sometimes its just because of ethnic reasons. Sometimes its no reason at all. When i see that, Im like "woah".
Because its rad...
I digress. But not much, as it happens, because im moving neatly on from viceral entertainment into more viceral entertainment, albiet the fact that the latter is much more real to me at the present moment. I like books. This much is clear.
During what I like to call the "long weekend" period of my life, which consisted of every holiday I was forced to go on with my parents, which, for the most part, consisted of activities which, for whatever reason, I felt were dejectable tripe, I had nothing but reading to pass the time, under which the excuse for my not wanting to "look at the coral shops" was mere education. Often enough the brought books were scarce, and I had to find my own sustinence in the form of book swapping in insipid little cafes which did little but add a little more of the "local flavour" to a place that was already crowded with western jargon and confluences of tourist friendly dirge that one would be obliged to accept, and the books I gained I took solace from.
The long weekend period of my life is over. No more will I have to embark on these vacuous excursions in order to "broaden my horizons". Well, not with my family.
The difference with my friends I guess, is that I like my friends. That is to say, I like spending time with them. So, the moral is that i like books, but if the long weekend has taught me anything it is that books are something to be owned, and not lent or borrowed, and certainly not rented, not that I have anything against libraries.
So now, with my new "richness" (which isnt all that rich, lets not forget, im speaking purely from the point of view of a teenager who has earned no more than £3.60 an hour waiting tables and mopping up placenta for a year, and so £9 an hour seems a drastic step up) I intend to buy alot more. These things being:
1. 30 days of night (dvd) - £19. 99 2. The Jeeves Omnibus volume 1 - £14. 99 3. BRMC (cd) - £15. 99 4. I am Legend & other vampires - £16. 99 5. Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip - £39. 99
All worth £107.95.
I CANNOT AFFORD THIS! NOOOOOOOES!
This is my concern. And im in the midset of "ah want it now, ah cant survive without it".
Luke Garratt was born on the 19th of July, 1990. He grew up in rural Somerset, England, otherwise known as the "food basket" of the U.K. He currently attends the University of Winchester studying Journalism and Creative Writing.