Okay, so im not quite on the latter once again, more on a sporadic basis, when my craziness appears to be at its peak. Which is almost never. Rest assured, I am fit and healthy. However, tommorow, its operation time. Probably why i cant sleep, and its actually tommorow instead of the day after thus. Im worried, im scared, and I know im only going under for a couple of hours, but the last few days have been nothing but bad. The weekend of exuberance and relative hedonism served as an excellent culture shock, showing me that right now, in sleepy Somerset, I may be wasting away my greatest years. That is not to say that i do not like it here, and that I do not love my friends and family dearly, with all the love my tiny, blackened coal of a heart can possibly give, because that is simply not the case. All i know is that it is time for a change.
Its time for me to move on and start growing up. No more of this "being able to do stuff but not really". It doesnt suit me. I daresay that when I reach 18, nothing will have changed, and that I will still be the bitter grumpus that I am now, but my resolve to truly meet the life I want will be stronger.
It seems that after the weekend, and my happy times, the heavens decided to take a dump on yours truly with several mishaps that will scar me for life.
1. Being robbed by a person I will never meet, and feeling endangered by every corner of the internet henceforth.
2. Seeing a man flatline whilst I was meant to be taking the man in the bed opposite down for an X-ray.
3. Having all emotive thoughts pushed out of me for an unknown period of time, due to a horrible sight that i will never recover from.
Having the showers turn cold every time i stepped in them for two days
You guessed it, 2 & 3 were at the hospital. They were medically related. It is no surprise that my reality has been shaken by these events. I cannot tell, when thinking about it, wether this is divine intervention, or mere coincidence. Perhaps it is Karma, that after a good weekend, I get loaded with a load of unpleasant things, to event the universe out. Perhaps God, or another deity, is structuring my life to meet these events, in order to show me my own mortality and to make a difference in my life. Perhaps its just one big hoo ha, that im blowing up. Making a mountain out of several horrible, horrible molehills.
Am I supposed to believe in God after this, or disbelieve in him? Am I supposed to start following Karma? Am I being punished for something, or is this a truly important divine lesson, telling me I need to shape up?
It would seem that I have some serious thinking to do.
And because I cant sleep, I have plenty of time to do it.
I guess thats one for the "pro-God" collumn.