Wednesday, 2 February 2011

Danger: A Reference Guide

"How much danger am I in?"

This is a question that everybody asks in certain situations; Kayaking, or setting off fireworks. Its dangerous, we all know this, they can explode in your face, and no one wants that. But what many people don't consider is the danger of situations and circumstances that they might be in every day. Speaking as a constant worrier, I present to you the round up of the five most dangerous places to be in England, the ones that are right under your nose, and that will probably kill your nose. And probably the rest of your face.

5. Up-Market Chain Coffee shop

The usual dangers can be spotted right away. A hot cup of liquid can give you a nasty scald. This is something the managers will have prepared for, with messages like "This beverage is incredibly hot", but this is merely a distraction. The windows in most of these shops aremassive. Have you ever thought how much of an invitation to criminals this is? The place is warm, condensation lightly dusts the edges of these gigantic windows, showing just how delightfully cosy the inside is, like the inside of a sleeping bag. This is where rich people are designed to be, and therefore they can be instantly found by terrifying criminals. But this is not the most present danger; Those windows are massive! If a bird saw the cosy inside of that shop, and the bugger flew into the the window, in a sweet spot it could shatter, covering you and your family in shards of deadly, deadly glass!

4. Bus Stops

Bus stops are damn dangerous, and don't let any persuasive words from your local council tell you otherwise. Those things are hardly safe, and are made of about a ton of metal. Have you seen how they are designed? A flap of heavy metal supported by one sheet of flimsy, wussy metal? No thanks Death, I'd rather walk.

3. Swimming Pools

Have you seen that one episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, where Xander joins the swimming team and it turns out that his team-mates are actually terrifying, monstrous sea creatures? I'm not saying its going to happen now, but I am saying why risk it, when its almost certain to happen eventually?

2. At a rubbish Amateur Indie-rock gig

At this sort of place, boredom is the most dangerous factor. This, and cheap, stale beer fished out from the back of Wetherspoons (where it was deemed "not good enough". InWetherspoons) is almost like spending a night being slowly suffocated by Carbon Monoxide, but with worse lighting.

1. Garden Centers

These are basically designed to be like artificial forest lodges, with lots of wood around, and lots of trees and plants. You know what likes those sorts of places? God damn Bears.


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