Sunday, 6 February 2011

Open letters to books I have read

Dear Six Dinner Sid,

I read you when I was very young, and therefore quite naive. I totally believed that a cat could
have the brain power to con six separate people. I mean, thats a pretty big con. Thats worthy of like, Oceans Eleven, if Oceans Eleven was about cats and not about casinos or whatever. But there was something I didn't get, if they all lived on the same street, how did they not at least see the cat going into someone else's house? Do these people not go outside? Was it a grim warning of the dangers and the perils of agoraphobia? I'm glad you were keeping people aware.

Yours with kindness,


Dear Captain Corelli's Mandolin,

I am a big fan of your stiff, decisive descriptions of the Greek. The huge dude had a pretty awesome name for a huge dude. I mean, if a guy can lift two men, one on each shoulder, and also a brass cannon, he truly deserves the name "Megalo". I also promise to stop using you as a coaster. Maybe.

Yours faithfully,


Dear Crime and Punishment,

You are so depressing. I was so depressed reading you. It was actually so depressing that I had to stop reading half way through, before I got to the "punishment" part. I read it in the end, but it still haunts me as to how depressing it is. Russia sounds like a very sad place, so I guess the one good thing to come out of reading you is that I now know I should probably not go there, for fear of being really, really sad all of the time. I guess th
ats why everyone there drinks so much vodka? Is that why?

Eagerly awaiting your reply,


Dear Fight Club,

Dude, you've got some problems. You're seriously messed up! I actually was quite angry when I started reading you, but then half way through was like "man, I am the most angry!" It was quite a weekend. But think you had some good points, and the twist was really good. I liked how you kept us guessing by making us think that the narrator was really, really gay for Tyler Durden. I did not expect that...

Yours angrily,

Dear Grapes of Wrath,

Did you know that my lecturer doesn't like you? What a joke right?! Who doesn't like you, you're a straight up guy! What a weird thing to not like you. Well, you are pretty massive, and you do scare people with the heady-ness of your topic, and after all, you are pretty dreary. But still, that font? Whoo boy, that is one hell of a...font.

Yours confusedly,

Dear Breakfast at Tiffany's,

Fuck you man! You think you're better than everyone Holly Golightly? You think you're all that? Give the dude a chance, he just loves you, he loves you so much! Thank you soooooo much, for making me completely dead inside. You're like the Sylvia Plath of up-beat bohemian East Coast fiction.

Fuck you!

Yours sincerely,


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Hey dude you really must have been on something weird to write all that stuff... youre naughty but I like you.